Surah An-Nisa (4:34): Responsibility, Protection, and Conflict Resolution
الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ ۚ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ ۚ وَاللَّاتِي تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ ۖ فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلَا تَبْغُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلًا ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّا كَبِيرًاMen are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part you fear nushūz (rebellion): admonish them, refuse to share their beds, and strike them (lightly). But if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, Great (above you all).Surah An-Nisa 4:34
Clarification and Ethical Framework
This verse outlines the framework of responsibility, protection, and conflict resolution in a marriage, not a free pass to abuse.
Yet it is frequently quoted without context or understanding by non-Muslims, mostly Christian missionaries.
The Misuse of This Verse
Critics often rip this verse from its moral, spiritual, and social framework to falsely claim that Islam promotes violence against women.
The Reality
In reality, the verse is part of a comprehensive ethical system that:
- Reflects divine concern for justice and compassion within the family unit
- Upholds women’s dignity
- Outlines strict limits
What the Qur’an Teaches About Treating Women
a. Kindness and Honor
وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِLive with them honorablySurah An-Nisa 4:19
This includes both verbal and physical companionship. A husband must treat his wife kindly, with good companionship, refraining from harm, offering kindness, and dealing with her in a respectful manner.
This also includes providing:
- Financial support
- Clothing
- And similar responsibilities
A husband is obligated to offer his wife the customary good treatment that someone like him would offer someone like her, according to the norms of their time and place — and this naturally varies based on individual circumstances.
The husband must treat his wife with kindness and good companionship, providing for her needs and treating her with respect according to the customs of their time and place. — Tafsir as-Sa'di
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَAnd of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.Surah Ar-Rum 30:21
He placed between you, through marriage and shared lineage, affection by which you show love to one another and maintain ties for its sake. And ‘mercy’ — by which He granted you compassion for one another, inclining your hearts toward each other.
Indeed, in this are signs for people who reflect. Allah Almighty says: In this action of His are lessons and reminders for those who ponder over His proofs and evidences — so they realize that He is the one true God, for whom nothing is impossible and who is never hindered in doing whatever He wills.
He placed between you, through marriage and shared lineage, affection by which you show love to one another and maintain ties for its sake. And 'mercy' — by which He granted you compassion for one another, inclining your hearts toward each other. — Tafsir at-Tabari
b. Justice and Reconciliation in Marital Conflict
Surah An-Nisa (4:35): Mediation in Marital Conflict
Surah An-Nisa (4:35) advises that when conflict escalates, third-party mediation from both families should be sought before considering separation.
Two Cases of Marital Conflict
Allah (Exalted is He) first mentioned the initial case — when estrangement and rebellion (nushūz) come from the wife. Then He mentioned the second case — when the estrangement comes from both spouses.
Juristic Explanation
The jurists said: If discord arises between the husband and wife, the judge should place them under observation near a trustworthy person, who monitors their situation and prevents the one at fault from committing wrongdoing.
If their conflict worsens and the dispute continues for a long time, the judge then appoints:
- A trusted person from the woman’s side, and
- A trusted person from the man’s family
These two mediators should meet, assess the situation, and take whatever course of action is most beneficial — whether reconciliation or separation.
Emphasis on Reconciliation
The Shari’ah leans toward reconciliation, which is why Allah said: “If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause harmony between them.”
The Shari'ah leans toward reconciliation, which is why Allah said: 'If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause harmony between them.' — Tafsir at-Tabari
c. Wife Dignity and Rights
Surah Al-Baqarah (2:187) – Wives as garments
That each of the two has been made a ‘garment’ for the other, because each is a source of tranquility (sukūn) for the other — as the Exalted has said: ‘And He made the night for you as a garment’ [Surat Al-Furqan: 47], meaning by that: a time of rest in which you find calm.
Likewise, a man’s wife is his place of rest, to whom he turns for comfort, as Allah the Exalted said: ‘And He created from it its mate that he might find tranquility in her’ [Surat Al-A’raf: 189].
So, each of them becomes a ‘garment’ for the other, in the sense that each finds peace and rest in the other. This is also how Mujahid and others interpreted this verse.
Each of the two has been made a 'garment' for the other, because each is a source of tranquility for the other. A man's wife is his place of rest, to whom he turns for comfort. — Tafsir at-Tabari
d. Equality in Value, Leadership in Responsibility
Equality in Spiritual and Moral Value
Men and women are addressed equally in terms of faith, action, and reward.
When Allah, Exalted is He, mentioned the reward of the wives of the Prophet ﷺ, and their punishment [in the hypothetical case of non-compliance], and that no one else among women is like them,
He then turned to mention the rest of the women besides them.
And since the rulings for them and for men are the same,
He made the ruling shared between both, saying:
“Indeed, the Muslim men and the Muslim women…”(Qur’an, Surah Al-Ahzab 33:35)
This refers to the outward acts of the religion,
provided they are upholding them properly. (Tafsir As Sadi)
Surah Al-Baqarah 2:228 — “And women have rights similar to those over them in kindness, but men have a degree over them [in responsibility].”
That is: Women have upon their husbands rights and obligations just as the husbands have upon them rights and obligations — both required and recommended.
The basis for the mutual rights between spouses returns to “al-maʿrūf” (what is reasonable and customary), which refers to:
the prevailing custom in that country and time, based on what is appropriate for someone like her with someone like him.
This differs according to:
times, places, circumstances, individuals, and local customs. This is evidence that matters such as:
financial support (nafaqah), clothing, good treatment, housing, and even intimacy (sexual rights) — are all governed by what is customary and reasonable (al-maʿrūf). This is what is required by a general (unconditional) marriage contract. (Tafsir As Sadi)
Understanding the Structure of 4:34
The linguistic meaning of “Qiwāmah” (guardianship/authority)
It is derived from standing over something, preserving it, and maintaining it. For example, it is said: “So-and-so is the qiwām (support) of his family,” meaning he upholds their affairs. And the qayyim (maintainer) of a woman is her husband, because he takes care of her affairs and meets her needs.
The qayyim (maintainer) of a woman is her husband, because he takes care of her affairs and meets her needs. — Lisān al-'Arab by Ibn Manẓūr
There are two types of wife
[1] Type one: The Righteous Wife
Hadith Supporting the Description of the Righteous Wife
The Righteous Women
These are women committed to faith and family, and they are praised and protected by the Qur’anic ethic.
[2] Type two: The Nāshizah (Rebellious Wife)
Description of the Nāshizah (Rebellious Wife)
She resisted him, defied him, hated him, disobeyed him, and abandoned him.
She resisted him, defied him, hated him, disobeyed him, and abandoned him. — Lisan al-'Arab, Ibn Manẓūr
Meaning of “Nushūz”
“Nushūz” here implies ongoing, intentional rebellion, not minor disagreement or emotional stress. It refers to a situation where a woman undermines the marriage itself through neglect, defiance, or betrayal.
The Three Gradual Steps in the Verse
These are measured and escalating steps meant to signal displeasure and seek correction — not physical abuse:
1. Admonish her
Communicate clearly, offer sincere advice, and express disappointment — this is the first and primary response, rooted in dialogue.
2. Refuse to share the bed
A private, symbolic gesture indicating marital disapproval and emotional seriousness, not public shaming or punishment.
3. Strike (lightly)
As a last resort, when all else has failed — and even then, without injury, any mark and pain, or humiliation. The goal is reform, not domination.
Conditions & Limits on “Strike”
A. Pre-conditions
The husband must already be financially supporting her and acting as a responsible protector (Qiwāmah). Steps 1 and 2 must have failed first. The intent must be to repair the relationship, not to control or retaliate.
B. Prophet’s Guidelines
The Prophet (peace be upon him) himself never hit a woman, and repeatedly discouraged it. His words emphasize restraint, respect, and honor in all circumstances.
C. Scholarly Opinions
Great scholars like Ibn Abbas, Hassan al-Basri, and others emphasized that this form of discipline is permissible, not ideal — and only within its narrow, regulated context.
Summary of the Islamic Position
Islam does not promote violence against women — in fact, it revolutionized women’s rights at a time when they were treated as property or disposable beings.
The Qur’an and the Prophet’s teachings emphasize:
- Mercy, kindness, and patience as the default in marriage
- Conflict resolution through wisdom, counseling, and empathy
- A clear, structured framework to deal with extreme rebellion — with strong ethical boundaries
Even when discipline is permitted, it is:
- Discouraged in the prophetic tradition
- Non-injurious, symbolic, and heavily restricted
- A last resort, aimed at reconciliation, not punishment
It’s also important to note: This verse has saved marriages from divorce in cultures where men are taught to walk away immediately. The Qur’an, instead, urges patience, process, and dignity — for both spouses.
Response to Christians
Those who accuse Islam must first re-examine their own texts and theology.
They Must Answer:
Hebrews 12:11 — “Discipline is painful but necessary…”
So why object to corrective action in Islam when it’s already normalized in Christianity?
Ephesians 5:24 — “Wives must submit to their husbands in everything.”
No step-by-step procedure. No limits. Just full submission.
Titus 2:4–5 — Urges women to be obedient to husbands — again, no qualifiers or conditions.
Examples of Misogyny and Abuse:
Deuteronomy 25:11–12 — A wife helping her husband in a fight has her hand cut off for touching another man.
Numbers 5:11–31 — The “bitter water ordeal” humiliates women based on suspicion alone — no proof needed.
Hosea 2:3–5 — God is metaphorically described as stripping and shaming Israel like a jealous, abusive husband.
Even Jesus never addressed a woman by name in the Gospels — not even his mother, whom he called “woman.” Meanwhile, the Prophet (peace be upon him) praised and elevated Khadijah, Aisha, Fatimah, and Maryam (Mother of Jesus) by name.
Christian history is also deeply misogynistic: Women barred from leadership. Seen as sources of sin (Eve). Denied inheritance and voice in court for centuries.
Response to Secularists
Secular critics often rely on shifting moral trends, subjective preferences, and emotional appeals — without offering any objective standard of ethics.
A. No Moral Grounding
If morality is subjective, then nothing is truly right or wrong — not even abuse. If morality is social consensus, then slavery and genocide were moral when society accepted them. They cannot say, “Islam is wrong,” without borrowing values from outside their own framework.
B. Identity Confusion
Many secularists today can’t even define what a woman is. Is it biology? Is it identity? Can anyone be one? This confusion undermines their authority to critique Islam’s clear and dignified definition of womanhood.
C. Evolutionary Hypocrisy
If secularists believe in evolutionary biology and survival of the fittest: Then male dominance could be justified as a natural trait. Compassion and equality are evolutionary disadvantages. So how can they condemn religious guidance when their own worldview would justify oppression as biology?
D. Secular Society’s Track Record
- Porn industry: Degrades and objectifies women for profit
- “Sexual freedom”: Leads to exploitation, abandonment, and trauma
- Broken families: Divorce, fatherlessness, and emotional neglect
- Hyper-sexualization of minors: Normalized in media and fashion
They praise “freedom,” but it comes with no protection, no loyalty, and no moral compass.
Islam offers freedom with structure, love with responsibility, and rights with duties.
Conclusion
Anyone who claims Islam disrespects women must first confront the failures of their own tradition, or the emptiness of their moral system.
The Qur’an does not promote oppression — it uplifts marriage, protects women, and regulates difficult situations with mercy, wisdom, and limits.
It preserves the family while honoring both spouses.
By Worlddawah